RL Peeves
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My RL and MU* peeve right now is feeling a loss of any capacity to trust anyone at all.
BMD seems like a very chill, welcoming space. I have no reason at all to feel uncomfortable here. Absolutely no one has been unkind, entirely the opposite. I would like to like it here.
But currently, I still feel like I can’t talk. And again, I acknowledge that no one at all is making me feel this way except me. I find myself second guessing before every post, typing things up and then deleting unsent, etc. I’ve been doing it on MSB these past few weeks and I’m still doing it here, out of a gut level concern that maybe this community isn’t better, maybe the same patterns will play out all over again that I keep seeing over and over in these spaces and IRL in general. People seem safe and then they’re not, anything I say can and will be used against me, and then things I really, deeply care about will be threatened because of it.
There are things I really wish I could say, express and talk about, but I can’t. Because I won’t be believed, because I’m too unlikely of a person, because the way I talk to people is sometimes unintentionally condescending and it will be easier to assume the worst. Because I fear that people don’t see the things I see exactly as they are, and I’ll look crazy if I spell it out. So I keep my mouth shut and grit my teeth. I used to be so outspoken when I was younger, but now I’m a coward. It has quite frankly never gotten me very far, I instead feel punished for speaking the truth, and there’s a limited amount of punishment a person can take. Sometimes I deserve to not care, to not get involved, to not speak up, to just have fun, and to be selfish, and not be expected to carve up pieces of myself for a collective pot. It’s tiring.
I’m immensely relieved when someone else speaks up and points out the exact thing I’d noticed but didn’t want to say. So now it’s not coming from me, this respectable and reputable person with less skin in the game and less reason to be disbelieved saw it too. I want to say thank you every time, but I usually don’t even do that.
Not a subtweet about any recent specific event. There are surely some recent events it applies to, but it’s an everything post. This is how I’ve felt increasingly for the last few years, and it’s getting worse.
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@Kestrel Girl, I get it. I vacillate between extreme obsequiousness and an absolute inability to give a fuck if anyone doesn’t like being called out. When I’m in the former state, everything feels like a survival calculation–how much will I be punished if I say what I think instead of what will make them feel good about themselves–and in those times, silence doesn’t just feel like the easier option. It feels like the only one that won’t get me attacked, and since some fuckhead definitely will be coming for me today regardless of what I do or say to pacify him, why not minimize the amount of conflict coming for me? I don’t have the strength to run a gauntlet every day.
So you are not alone, and you deserve permission to do what’s safe for you.
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@Kestrel I’m sorry. I hope it gets better. It takes time to get over things. FORTUNATELY, this is hardly urgent, and you can take all the time you need. But still: I hope it is sooner rather than later.
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I get it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
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I find myself second guessing before every post, typing things up and then deleting unsent
Having been raised to believe that nobody wants to hear what I have to say, I feel this so much. Over half of everything I write gets tossed because a voice in the back of my head says the same things you feel. “Someone’s going to use this against you” or “You’re only posting for attention” or “Nobody cares what you have to say.” I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. Half of me is trying to break the cycle, and the other half just casually reminds me of every terrible experience I’ve had. I wish the latter would shut up sometimes. Anxiety claws at my gut just considering posting this reply.
I don’t know what’s best, and I’m sorry you experience it too. I know how outspoken you can be, and I’ve looked up to you for it. You’re such a confidence booster. I don’t fault you at all for taking a break for as long as you need, even forever if need be. Thanks for all you’ve done.
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@Jumpscare For what it’s worth, I very much enjoy when you post! Those voices are awful, and are so tiring to fight against every day.
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@Pyrephox Thank you. I appreciate it. And I enjoy reading your posts, too.
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My therapist has introduced me to “IFS”; internal family systems, as a way of addressing/coping with/healing from complex trauma (like childhood abuse). I highly, highly recommend it, if you can get over how silly it seems at first. Think, “Inside Out”, where you’re addressing parts of yourself as – things that need a particular kind of attention from you to go from their agitated state to something calmer. If you can’t get a therapist there’s a LOT of workbooks about it.
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First World Problems: When you need your morning coffee to get started in the morning, and the coffee you bought to treat yourself with tastes like ugh
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Also a First World Problem: when starting an all-team meeting with your entire shift, you Director insists on having an icebreaker and I can just feel my soul leaving my body.
I don't know what I'm doing. Poke at Seven Nations sevennations.aresmush.com port 2021
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@Testament said in RL Peeves:
Also a First World Problem: when starting an all-team meeting with your entire shift, you Director insists on having an icebreaker and I can just feel my soul leaving my body.
Okay so we’re going to go around the forum and have everyone introduce themselves and speak just a little bit on an event that really best describes how they overcome workplace stress…
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ETA: I really hate the ones like “What’s your dream job.” Or “Movie you’ve seen ten times.” Just some of the cringiest stuff.
I don't know what I'm doing. Poke at Seven Nations sevennations.aresmush.com port 2021
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@Testament said in RL Peeves:
Or “Movie you’ve seen ten times.”
Oh that one’s easy for me. I can honestly say Schindler’s List and that drags the mood of the whoooooole conversation down. It is hands-down my favourite film.
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@Pavel To my Director’s credit, she actually gave a somewhat interesting one. “If you could bring back one musician or band, who would it be.”
And I said Lane Stalely, because I really miss 90s Alice in Chains and was too young to really appreciate them when Lane was alive.
I don't know what I'm doing. Poke at Seven Nations sevennations.aresmush.com port 2021
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@Testament Oooh, that is a good one.
Assuming they’d get to live a healthy life after bringing them back, I’d probably go with Freddie Mercury.
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I am not a fan of ice breakers. I mean, I kind of like listening to the answers, but I don’t like to be in the spotlight. It makes me nervous. I also don’t like birthdays for this reason. I feel you. Also ‘my dream job’ sounds like bait to be asked at work. LOL.
As to the wedding. It’s YOURS. Invite who you want or don’t. It’s a day to spotlight your relationship. Your decisions in that relationship and celebrate with the people that loved and supported you. My opinion anyways. Take that as you will.
Also, could you stand up - state your first name and describe yourself with a word that starts with the first letter?
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Car battery ran out again. I’m like 70% sure I didn’t leave a light on this time and it’s a brand new battery. FML.
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@RightMeow I hope I never hear that one at work.
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We are required to have an ice breaker for every. Single. Meeting.
It has yet to bring us closer together…
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@junipersky one of my coworkers decided it’d be fun to play two truths and a lie for our ice breaker this morning. i am currently playing the game of ‘don’t answer and see if anyone notices’.
i don’t have two truths that are interesting enough that i also want to share with my coworkers.
