On the utility of Logs, Receipts, and Proof

[GF]

@Warma-Sheen said in On the utility of Logs, Receipts, and Proof:

What do you mean by “positive results”?

Whatever the respondent means by “positive results.”

[Warlander]

@Pavel Indeed. Abusers are like criminals in this regard, zeroing in on a specific type of victim… because they ARE criminals, as often as not. They are certainly predators, even if their abuses only occur in text (though it is not impossible that some of them are predators IRL as well). Patterns of abuse of others always seem to carry over into other areas of their lives, whether that manifests as habitual mild mistreatment of family or friends, or becoming a serial rapist/murderer, and everything in between.

And I’m saying this as one of those people who regularly fights land wars in my head.

[Pavel]

@Warlander While I appreciate and understand the sentiment, I’m a recovering toxic person - though not to my knowledge having ever done anything this kind of predatory; I sincerely believe that many, if not most, abusive or toxic people need help more than anything else.

Obviously, it’s nobody’s responsibility to help them (outside of certain clinical settings), and it’s absolutely understandable to be angry at those who have been abusive.

And I don’t mean this as an excuse either, nor am I demanding everyone give abusers the benefit of the doubt, just offering up the idea that being abusive is something one can recover from. Until they provably are, obviously, wide berth.

[Jumpscare]

I’ve reported at least 5 sex pests, and the results have ranged from staff actually banning the person, to outright ignoring it, to telling me to leave the game. I’ve even seen a sex pest be a sex pest towards a sex pest who’s in power to gain favoritism. I’ve seen one boast about the mirror he has over his bed IRL.

There’s no reason to keep a sex pest around. If they’re causing even one person to leave the game, you could’ve thrown out the sex pest instead. And you know that’s not the only person they’re going to cause to leave the game.

Ultimately it comes down to staff’s ability and desire to act on reports, and the community’s trust that staff will be on their side. Even if a game logs everything and restricts access to logs, systems can only go so far. The person at the top of the chain also needs to be trusted to act in favor of victims, which takes time and engagement.

On that note, I’d like to thank BMD for having such a large community of trusted regulars who have stellar reputations for identifying and ousting sex pests.

[tsar]

Rambling some more, my experience is players will downplay how bad a thing is when they’re reporting too. I remember years ago someone expressing their concerns about another player, full of self-doubt. And when I saw the exchange, they were like a breath’s exhale away from being fully stalked.

[KarmaBum]

@tsar That’s generally been my experience. People report things through the lens of “I don’t want to make a big deal out of this / just letting you know.”

Which is fine. People only need to disclose what they feel comfortable disclosing.

But it is also okay to make a big deal out of things sometimes, and I wish more people would do so. Staffers make mistakes (hi, I allowed Ruiz to stay on GH even tho my co-admin thought he was creepy), but I like to think if more people had come forward, I’d have responded differently.

To answer the straw poll: I have only once ever reported anyone to staff. I guess she was a sex pest. I quit the game right after, but staff did nothing to my knowledge. I think they made her a staffer, but it’s hazy now. I now just have her tagged like a shark so I can keep track of where she goes and avoid her. Which sounds stalkery, but all her RP is about condoms and abortions and how good she is at giving BJs, so she’s easy to ID.

[Roz]

@Sammich said in On the utility of Logs, Receipts, and Proof:

As someone who is super insecure and lacks confidence, I’m always thinking “But… what if it was my fault?” in the back of my head without anyone else even needing to make the accusation, no matter how much I try convince myself otherwise. Even about mundane stuff about who left the light on in the bathroom. Even if I know it wasn’t me, the moment someone else says “Well it wasn’t me” the implied ‘so it must have been you’ immediately makes me question my own memory of the event.

That is already a huge hurdle to overcome if I were to think of reporting someone for, well, anything. The fact I could be asked for receipts, and that those receipts might be somehow interpreted differently than I had and used as ‘proof’ that I really had been asking for it kind of just nixes the entire idea of me ever wanting to report in the first place.

But I kinda feel like the people most likely to be victimized are the ones that have that voice in the back of their head already whispering that they’re the one at fault for everything. They’re the people who need to be able to report. So making that process as… gentle, I guess, as possible is important.

That’s my personal take on it anyway.

I am someone who trends towards confidence and generally being pretty prone to direct confrontation about issues, and even I have had stress around the very few times I’ve needed to report things. I don’t tend to attract creepers, possibly because I have enough of an Online Resting Bitch Face that maybe they see me as a bad target, but I have absolutely had the stress spoken of earlier this thread of “is my TS gonna get splashed in front of staff, are they going to drag out a list of kinks featured in consensual TS before they got weird, is staff going to be weirded out by ME, etc.”

In my instance – I have one I can notably recall for sex pesty type behavior that happened directly to me – nothing of the sort happened. In my instance, it was basically someone my PC got involved with, the player made a borderline comment or two, I put up boundaries, and then they basically disappeared on me. I shrugged and moved on, but then later on they hit me up on another alt. When I realized it was the same player, I felt kind of weird about it. It hadn’t been an instance where I actually told them to leave me alone or anything, so they weren’t getting around an actual request not to contact me. Just felt weird! I felt weird reporting, despite all my alleged confidence and aggressive boundaries! I even did a thing which I always tell people NOT to do, which was to DM someone instead of submit a request, because I was asking “is this even worth reporting?” But my messages were fortunately taken seriously, and the player given a strong warning and a note to leave me alone. (I am pretty confident that if they had actually been sneaking around a request not to contact me, they would have been banned. It was just because I had been like “Hey I don’t really like those jokes” and then they just ghosted me that they got off with a warning.)

All of this to say that I always sit on this mountain of OMG PLS REPORT, I find it actively stressful sometimes to repeatedly hear about issues that aren’t get reported, and yet, when it came time for me to report something, I still felt stressed, anxious, and almost a bit ashamed. I imagine it’s a billion times worse for people who are more prone to feeling anxious and insecure in general.

[Third Eye]

I have a much quicker trigger finger for reporting than I used to for a lot of reasons and it’s not always for sexual stuff, just weird behavior I’d like staff to have a record of For the File in case something happens. For the latter in particular I tend to provide logs proactively, I can’t recall ever being asked for one but that’s just part and parcel of usually sending them first. I also log everything, though, so it’s not an unusual thing for me to have a text file to copy from.

One thing I feel like gets missed often is…reports don’t happen in a vacuum. Staff is on the game, they are in theory observing the behaviors of the players both making the report and being reported on, on a daily basis. Shit just don’t seem right with some people and a lot of times a report just confirms it. End of the day staff is making a judgment call every time, though, and ideal world good staffers deal with this stuff seriously and do their best. Human beings will still inevitably make the wrong call because this shit is hard and unpleasant to deal with, I just ask that they try.

[Warlander]

@Pavel I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, and I deeply appreciate your candor. It’s possible that some abusers, if caught very early, and either helped quickly or slapped down hard, might not devolve into problem players.

But the line between toxicity and predation is neither thin nor easily crossed. The difference is between irritation/impatience with other people, and total and outright contempt for them, or a total disregard for their worth as fellow human beings.

And while a toxic person can come back from the brink, it’s usually too late for a predator. Much, much too late. Assuming any opportunity to intervene ever existed. The term sex pest seems far too mild for them.

[Roz]

Follow-up on my previous post, because I went and revisited the conversation I had with staff at the time of my incident. I’d forgotten, but at the time when I expressed to the player that some of the comments they were making were a bit odd, they were very apologetic about it, oh they didn’t realize, so sorry!, etc. And THEN they just ghosted/stopped all contact.

And I was not asked for logs when I spoke to staff, although it was a situation that was less about conversational details and more about “yeah we had a convo about boundaries, he ghosted, and then hit up my PC on another alt.” I did proactively provide logs later in the conversation as a general “here are the convos I mentioned for your reference.”

[Testament]

Why am I suddenly likening all of this in regards to why it’s so hard to call and make doctor appointments.

Eerily familiar.

[Roz]

@Testament omg i would much rather report MU* sex pests than call anyone to make an appointment.

[Testament]

@Roz It’s 2023, time for yearly checkups!

[Drowsy]

@Roz said in On the utility of Logs, Receipts, and Proof:

@Testament omg i would much rather report MU* sex pests than call anyone to make an appointment.

I felt this in my soul.

I definitely gave my piece on this topic in another thread, but I’ll say it again: receipts/logs/evidence MAY go to the people who can (and SHOULD) take action where appropriate. They are not owed to community members - especially those who have a relationship with the accused, especially when this evidence reveals victim identities.

If I’m pinging a staff just to say “hey just a heads up, X player made some pretty borderline comments and it threw a few red flags. Just FYI.” It’s “cool thanks for the heads up, we’ll keep an eye on that.” And then staff should ACTUALLY keep an eye on that.

If its “player X has committed a bannable offense, here’s a pastebin and the time of the incident.” That’s a different story. Now it is the responsibility of the staff to review that and take action. If the evidence doesn’t show actions worthy of the ban but DOES raise alarm bells, it is also the responsibility of staff to keep tabs and make sure that there haven’t been other reports on that player and to take action with letting that player know that they have been toeing a line and will be banned if it continues. And following through on that. If it’s a legitimate misunderstanding or overreaction, staff needs to communicate that with the reporting player.

When staff fails in this regard, they are failing to protect the players in their space and are unequipped to leadership.

I think that’s a point the random people who scream for receipts are missing - you are not entitled to that. A victim has already done their duty by saying “hey, this player has been an issue”. That’s all they owe you, random fanboy.

Most people in this hobby can point to a time that they had a negative interaction with a sex pest. AT LEAST once, typically more. Stop acting surprised and screaming for receipts.

[Meg]

I had a weird experience reporting, even with staff I really respect now. I understand where they were coming from at the time, because they did not know me but they did know the other player.

And my logs did NOT make me look great. Because if you ask for anyone’s logs with someone they thought was a friend*ish that then proceeded to cross boundary after boundary, well. You’re gonna see some shit. Did I do some light gossip about another player? Yes. Etc etc. Was there some flirting before the person crossed the line? Yes. etc etc.

And even in the report I did make, there are some things I didn’t report because I just-- was not comfortable digging up the really personal shit to show. Like ‘hey, I asked that this person not try to talk OOC about sexual shit because he was married, but then he did and pressed and I didn’t defend that boundary as much as I should’ kind of shit.

idk, man. at the end of the day, this shit is complicated. hence why we’re going to rehash it until the world is in cinders.

[Pyrephox]

@Pavel said in On the utility of Logs, Receipts, and Proof:

@Adora said in On the utility of Logs, Receipts, and Proof:

That is because abusers can sense it. I’m not sure exactly what it is they’re picking up on, but it’s like catnip to them.

It’s the same way that scam emails work. They present themselves in a specific way that only a specific kind of person reacts to.

In my experience, an abusive person will start fine, and weasel their way in sociably, perhaps even affably. They’ll then start to drop hints at their abusiveness occasionally. A less targetable person will rebuff those hints, and the abuser will adjust and act like an average person around them. Someone who regularly fights land wars in their own brain will react differently, and that’s what the abuser picks up on.

Boundary-breaking.

IME, and I think the literature agrees, many (not all) abusers start by testing potential targets’ boundaries. First in small ways, like saying something that’s just a bit mean or control-ish, and following it up with, “I only let you know because I care.” They see who shuts them down, and who seems vulnerable, and target the people who are the most vulnerable with increasingly large boundary violations.

(Please note: this does not put any culpability on the part of the targets - abusers target pain and kindness in equal measure, and it’s never the target’s fault for not ‘shutting them down’ early on, because the opening gambits are designed to look as much like normal awkwardness or enthusiasm as possible.)

And, of course, this is usually paired with isolation - in MU*s, an abuser will often develop a coterie of people who reaffirm that This Is Fine. Most of them are also targets, and some are hangers-on. But they tend to viciously isolate each other from getting an outside perspective on what’s happening by encouraging people to break ties with other players based on rumor, innuendo, or outright lies.

EDIT: I will also say that this is one of the things that makes “logs as proof” difficult. Because a lot of the work of an abuser does not look, in an isolated incident, like the work of an abuser. It looks like “oh, that’s a little pushy, but look, the other player was fine with it” or “well, they didn’t outright tell Player A to stop playing with Player B, they just said that it made them uncomfortable, and they’re allowed to share what makes them uncomfortable”. There are patterns of abuse that can really on be seen AS A PATTERN, because each individual incident is small and easily dismissed.

[Meg]

@Pyrephox I think it’s also something to mention that it’s very easy to brush off because in the end, not a lot of abusers actually think they are abusive. They do actually interpret their own actions as misunderstandings! If only the other person had said something! Oh, they said something? Well, if only they had been more firm about it, been more clear how serious they were.

Like, to this day, I bet the person who kept stepping all over my boundaries does not see himself as doing anything wrong. That I just sprang sudden upset on him, and I should have been more clear, told him more often, gave him more chances. Lying to me OOCly was just him playing the game. Pushing at my character choices OOCly? He was just talking to a friend. Etc etc.

[L. B. Heuschkel]

@Meg This. Every predator I’ve met online – that’s three by now – genuinely believes themselves to be a victim of other people’s conspiracies and witch hunts. Sure, they’re a little socially awkward but you should help them out, not paint a target on their back!

ETA: Obvious sarcasm. Paint all the targets.

[Roadspike]

@Pyrephox said in On the utility of Logs, Receipts, and Proof:

There are patterns of abuse that can really on be seen AS A PATTERN, because each individual incident is small and easily dismissed.

This is why reporting even just “a creepy feeling” is so important. More than once, I have gotten reports from multiple players (and noticed myself) that a player was giving off a creepy vibe, testing those boundaries with people. When confronted, the creep revealed themselves via their responses and were removed – after they were removed, several additional people came forward to say that they had been targeted.

If you are being victimized by someone, chances are that you are not alone in this. If I (as Staff) get one report of someone being generally creepy, I’ll watch them more closely, but if I get four reports from people in three different playgroups? Yeah, that person’s probably gone, even if each of the reports is just “felt like they were pushing boundaries.” Unless it’s obvious, I’ll talk with the prospective creep, but it’s definitely going to be easier a) to be direct with them about the problem, and b) to obfuscate those reporting the problem, if I have multiple reports.

[farfalla]

@GF Yes. I was asked if I happened to have any logs, but assured it wasn’t necessary. I didn’t have them. The person was banned within the hour.