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MU Peeves Thread
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I could not decide whether to put this on the “good things in MUSHing” thread or this one…
I’m peeved that I’m excited to see my family again after a long time apart! But that they’re coming right when I am lining up RPz that I want to have and now have to wait.
So, basically, I’m mad that good things are happening in real life and MUSHing.
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I want to destroy some stuff!
But it’s not time yet.
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@tsar said in MU Peeves Thread:
I want to destroy some stuff!
But it’s not time yet.
What did you do to merit having the CONE OF SHAME put on you?
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I am sorry that you feel that way…
is NOT a fucking apology.
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@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
I am sorry that you feel that way…
is NOT a fucking apology.
I want this post on billboards across the planet, plz and ty.
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@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
I am sorry that you feel that way…
is NOT a fucking apology.
It isn’t, but sometimes it’s just true. There’s a point where how someone takes something you’ve said becomes their problem, not yours.
He/Him. Opinions and views are solely my own unless specifically stated otherwise.
BE AN ADULT -
@Pavel said in MU Peeves Thread:
@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
I am sorry that you feel that way…
is NOT a fucking apology.
It isn’t, but sometimes it’s just true. There’s a point where how someone takes something you’ve said becomes their problem, not yours.
slow claps Way to miss the point.
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@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
@Pavel said in MU Peeves Thread:
@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
I am sorry that you feel that way…
is NOT a fucking apology.
It isn’t, but sometimes it’s just true. There’s a point where how someone takes something you’ve said becomes their problem, not yours.
slow claps Way to miss the point.
No, I’m raising an
alternateadditional point. -
@Pavel said in MU Peeves Thread:
@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
I am sorry that you feel that way…
is NOT a fucking apology.
It isn’t, but sometimes it’s just true. There’s a point where how someone takes something you’ve said becomes their problem, not yours.
Okay, but have you ever been in a situation where saying “I’m sorry you feel that way [because this is your problem]” has improved the quarrel you’re in?
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@GF said in MU Peeves Thread:
@Pavel said in MU Peeves Thread:
@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
I am sorry that you feel that way…
is NOT a fucking apology.
It isn’t, but sometimes it’s just true. There’s a point where how someone takes something you’ve said becomes their problem, not yours.
Okay, but have you ever been in a situation where saying “I’m sorry you feel that way [because this is your problem]” has improved the quarrel you’re in?
Yes. Not necessarily immediately, but I’ve found it especially helpful in contexts where one has previously felt compelled to apologise to maintain relationship harmony, even though it begins to diminish oneself. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I stand by what I said” is the usual formula.
He/Him. Opinions and views are solely my own unless specifically stated otherwise.
BE AN ADULT -
@Pavel said in MU Peeves Thread:
@GF said in MU Peeves Thread:
@Pavel said in MU Peeves Thread:
@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
I am sorry that you feel that way…
is NOT a fucking apology.
It isn’t, but sometimes it’s just true. There’s a point where how someone takes something you’ve said becomes their problem, not yours.
Okay, but have you ever been in a situation where saying “I’m sorry you feel that way [because this is your problem]” has improved the quarrel you’re in?
Yes. Not necessarily immediately, but I’ve found it especially helpful in contexts where one has previously felt compelled to apologise to maintain relationship harmony, even though it begins to diminish oneself. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I stand by what I said” is the usual formula.
Yeah, I’ve definitely been in scenarios where the other person was behaving really out of bounds and lashing out at me. I don’t typically like to say “I’m sorry you feel that way, but…” because I do think it’s often used inappropriately.
But sometimes I am sorry a person feels that way because I care for them as a person and them being in distresss sucks BUT I’m also beyond a point where I’m going capitulate to someone who is being unreasonable with me.
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I work in customer service. There are times when I have exhausted all my resources, my customer still feels like we came up short, and I am genuinely sorry they still feel that way.
So here is my pro-tip for telling someone you’re sorry they feel that way: Pair it when an empathy statement.
“I’m sorry you’re still upset that your roll went so badly. I’ve had times when it felt like my dice were cursed, too, but they are just RNG.”
“I’m sorry you feel like the Mean Girls won’t let you in the story. I know how it feels to want to break in and feel like the doors are closed. Let’s brainstorm…”
“I remember being disappointed when I wanted to play a Pokemon on a game about psychic humans, too. I’m sorry you feel our character guidelines are too strict. If you really have your heart set on a Pokemon, this probably isn’t the game for you.”
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@KarmaBum said in MU Peeves Thread:
“I remember being disappointed when I wanted to play a Pokemon on a game about psychic humans, too. I’m sorry you feel our character guidelines are too strict. If you really have your heart set on a Pokemon, this probably isn’t the game for you.”
I was with you until that one lol no empathy for Pokemon
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My point is that it’s not an apology, it is placing the fault on the other person and not owning up to your own part in the problem.
If your response is ‘I am sorry /you/ feel that way’ then you are no longer attempting to truly empathize, you have drawn your line in the sand, and by pairing it with an empathetic statement all you are doing is further trying to deflect the situation without resolving it.
Which is fine if you want to do that.
It’s still not a fucking apology and nobody is required to apologize for shit, but by doing that you’re changing the nature of the conversation, and the relationship, and if you /should/ be apologizing for what you’ve done to someone else and pulling this shit?
I am sure you can figure the rest out.
Post Script: You is the ‘royal you’ not aimed at anyone in particular directly.
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@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
If your response is ‘I am sorry /you/ feel that way’ then you are no longer attempting to truly empathize, you have drawn your line in the sand, and by pairing it with an empathetic statement all you are doing is further trying to deflect the situation without resolving it.
If I’ve done everything I can, then I truly am sorry that there’s no resolution. If I say that I’m sorry my customer still feels frustrated, even after I’ve done everything I can, then I really am still sorry. Sometimes, I’m not; sometimes, that person is being unreasonable and they need to fuck right off. But, for a lot of my customers, I truly am sorry I can’t do what sounds like a really reasonable thing, but it’s just not an option.
There are definitely times people say this and don’t mean it. @Pavel’s example up there - “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I stand by my statement.” - is exactly why the statement has been devalued. That’s a shitty thing to say to someone. Leave off the fake apology and stand by your statement without pretending to apologize for it.
But just because some people use it to mean “but I’m really not sorry” doesn’t mean everyone does.
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@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
by pairing it with an empathetic statement all you are doing is further trying to deflect the situation without resolving it.
When I read the examples that @KarmaBum used above, I don’t see it as deflection but more someone trying to defuse.
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Yeah “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a shitty apology; in some contexts it can be a good expression of sympathy or statement of empathy, but it’s a shitty ass “apology” that isn’t even an apology.
“I’m sorry YOU” is never a good apology.
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@Mourne said in MU Peeves Thread:
If your response is ‘I am sorry /you/ feel that way’ then you are no longer attempting to truly empathize, you have drawn your line in the sand, and by pairing it with an empathetic statement all you are doing is further trying to deflect the situation without resolving it.
I agree that “I’m sorry you feel that way” isn’t an apology, but I 100% think it’s a genuinely empathetic thing to say. It’s a statement of understanding, and showing that you’re listening to them and their concern (“I’m sorry that you feel xyz because xyz”). We use “sorry” all the time in ways that aren’t apologies - if a friend shares details of some trauma from their past, “I’m so sorry that happened to you” is genuinely empathetic and also not an apology, which we (usually) understand.
So when I say it at work, t doesn’t mean they’re right or I’m wrong, just that I’m sorry they’re feeling this way. It’s not blithe or dismissive when used in these contexts, because like… yeah, I’m not going to apologize for telling the person who’s screaming slurs at other people that they have to leave, but I am sorry that they believe we were hacking into their phone or whatever.
In grad school a professor told us that sometimes this works better if you say “I’m sorry you had that experience.” I may not have empathy for the screaming person, but if I step back I can think “okay yes, I’m sorry that someone had a bad experience here”. So I often use this instead of “I’m sorry you feel that way” because it’s definitely become diluted by people who try to use it as an apology rather than sympathy/empathy.
So yeah, I agree both that it’s not an apology and that it’s a useful statement.
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@farfalla said in MU Peeves Thread:
I agree that “I’m sorry you feel that way” isn’t an apology, but I 100% think it’s a genuinely empathetic thing to say.
I used to think that too, but in my life I’ve met so many people who seem to have no idea that “I’m sorry” means anything other than “I apologize.” Like:
Me: Hey, I heard about your mom. I’m so sorry.
Them: Why are you sorry? You didn’t give her cancer.It blows my mind, but some people just don’t seem to think you can use “sorry” in any other way, so I’ve tried to learn to stop saying it.
