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RL Peeves
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@Herja I struggle with much the same for similar reasons. For me, it is depression, it is a depression that may not be severe, but is constant and chronic And many things you have said falls in line with sometimes how I behave as well.
What I discovered as a way to get over something like this, and this may not work for you, but I want to suggest it anyways, is having these things be dependent on someone else. For example, I work out two to three times a week. I’ve been doing this since June, my partner since Dec 2021. The reason I didn’t just stop going after a month was two-fold but for the same reason. One, my partner kept me honest about. She got me to go. Keeping myself honest is hard because generally…I just don’t care enough. Secondly, my trainer. Because I pay her, and because I feel responsibility to do so.
And that’s really the kicker for me. I found out that if I feel some sense of responsibility to other people to do these things, generally that will be enough reason to kick my own ass into gear and actually do them. Even if it’s the last thing I really want to do. Even if just laying on the floor and doing nothing is preferable to me.
Keeping myself honest usually means that someone else is involved and I loathe the idea of letting someone else down. I hate the idea of letting my partner down. I hate the idea of letting my trainer down. And that is, by and large, the biggest help for me.
Not sure if that’ll help at all, but at the very least, I can totally sympathize with that feeling like what’s even the point if I’m just going to stop doing it anyways?
I don't know what I'm doing. Poke at Seven Nations sevennations.aresmush.com port 2021
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@Herja @Testament Could you both stop putting my feelings into words, please, it’s unsettling to be so seen.
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All I can say is… go see your doctors, peeps. Just generally, and because the recent history has been shit. If you’re struggling mentally and/or physically, go get checked. Been diagnosed with diabetes and depression, and I only noticed something was kicking my ass when I was laid off, because there wasn’t work to focus on.
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@Testament I’ve tried tying these things I want to do to an external thing, a person or an obligation, to try to jumpstart the motivation, but all that usually ends up happening is that I just end up disappointing the other person and am wracked with guilt. Feeling unmotivated and uninspired is bad enough, but feeling like I am letting someone down on top of that is a sure way to tip me into a crisis.
It’s a good tip and I can see how that could definitely work, but the lack of motivation is the basic problem not a symptom of the real problem. The real problem is that I was born without the ability to make the hormone cocktail for intrinsic motivation. For the first time in my life, I am medicated well enough that I realize how much this really, really sucks.
lol lmao
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@Herja Believe me, I understand. My own struggles with life-long depression were never really treated until the last couple of years, notably trying to find a medication that did something.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s just the difficulty in creating new neural pathways in our brains because that’s basically what creating better habits. At least, that’s how it feels for me, at times. The first month, two months, three months of doing something to the point where it almost feels like you’re forcing yourself to do something that you don’t want to do at all.
It sounds like a form of depression to me, but I’m sure as hell no therapist. Regardless, I really hope you can find something that’ll help. Even if it is just talking about it here.
I don't know what I'm doing. Poke at Seven Nations sevennations.aresmush.com port 2021
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@Testament I’ve wondered a lot if maybe there has been some depression there all along that was masked because my ADHD have been out of control for YEARS. Now the ADHD is being treated and my brain is a little quieter and now depression is just like “Yo, what’s up?”
lol lmao
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At some point I just resigned myself to not finishing anything I couldn’t get done in a single sprint. Sometimes lightning strikes and a hobby sticks for a while, but at this point, I just have had to accept that my relationship with things is to pick something up once or twice and then put it down again for eight months. Which makes it easier to do the initial picking up, but doesn’t help when I look back and realize that its been years since I saw a hobby project all the way through.
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For decades I found a lot of solace in volunteering. Partially because it was a reason for me to get up in the morning to tip the scale towards doing that. But also because it was nice to have a snapshot of “success” when I was there doing the thing that I know I will never feel in my daily life due to my own neurodivergent stuff. I wish I could have the whole package and always have been aware that I have the skills to do lots of things while also being aware that I lack the capacity to tie it all together. This isn’t something that other people see, usually. It’s internal. And it’s hard to explain to people who don’t have that similar feeling.
I’d already had to take some steps back from my usual volunteering pre-covid, but covid wiped all the rest of that, and then last year i lost my remaining “volunteer” thing. Not having that success in any part of my life (other than work) was personally devastating. This year I’ve carved out a little time to volunteer again (once a week for an hour). But maybe because I don’t have the energy to build up what I had anymore, it’s not quite as itch scratching. I think sometimes when there’s momentum that suddenly stops it’s often overwhelming to think of how to build that back up again, and it is really painful to look at that and know what’s going on.
But some of that is painful because I feel like it’s a deficit on my part that I have the brain of a squirrel most of the time. I look at other people who seem put together but then I realize possibly I’m just seeing what others saw in me like a couple of years ago. It isn’t helpful with the feelings, but at least intellectually I understand I’m not the waste of space my brain sometimes wants me to think that I am. I’ve noticed that people are a little more open with their struggles in this regard (motivation, attentiveness, stagnation, neurodivergence, depression, ect) and I think that’s been helpful too in not feeling isolated in general.
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I wish I could have the whole package and always have been aware that I have the skills to do lots of things while also being aware that I lack the capacity to tie it all together. This isn’t something that other people see, usually. It’s internal. And it’s hard to explain to people who don’t have that similar feeling.
Thank you for this because this put into a few sentences the very feeling that I’ve been writing PAGES in my journal just struggling to figure out how to express.
You are right. While knowing others feel like this makes me sad because I KNOW how much it just wrecks one’s confidence and self-esteem, there is some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only person in the world feeling like this.
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@Testament I’ve wondered a lot if maybe there has been some depression there all along that was masked because my ADHD have been out of control for YEARS. Now the ADHD is being treated and my brain is a little quieter and now depression is just like “Yo, what’s up?”
THIS. SO MUCH THIS.
I cannot speak for you because you are your own person with your own feels and life. However, I didn’t get diagnosed or treated for ADHD until January-ish of last year. My masking behaviors were so a part of my being that I didn’t realize what was going on until I started to manage them. Then when one mask was removed, it came out that my depression was more in control than I realized.
I wish there was a magic word to say or treatment to give to make you feel better. If I could say it or do it, I would. I can’t. It sucks. I’m sorry and you are the perfect you. Just remember that. All the negative self-talk are just lies. Think of them like ‘problem players’ just trying to wrong fun you. Also we are not promised time in life. We don’t know what our last minute will be. So take the time to try the thing. If you stop it, you tried it and you enjoyed it while you were doing it. It’s okay. It’s okay to pick things up. It’s okay to put things down. It’s okay to forget about things. It’s okay to live life how you live it. You are the amazing person you are and you don’t have to live another expectation because others around you are not you.
So in closing. I understand. I wish I could make you feel better. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and you are already so perfectly worthy of anything and everything you want to do, feel, or exist in.
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@Testament I’ve wondered a lot if maybe there has been some depression there all along that was masked because my ADHD have been out of control for YEARS. Now the ADHD is being treated and my brain is a little quieter and now depression is just like “Yo, what’s up?”
I don’t want to do any armchair psychoanalysis on you, here, but depression or depressive episodes are absolutely a common comorbidity with ADHD, and it’s worth getting that looked into if you have the means and the desire.
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First world problem, I know:
I ordered an iPhone (maxing our a credit card to do so) cause my current phone is garbage. It was supposed to be here an hour ago. First apple rep says “oh the carrier tried to deliver it and canceled it”.
No they didn’t! I have been sitting by the door since 11am this morning. Waiting.
Senior rep says “I don’t know what happened, but it says the order got cancelled”. Talk to the store it was shipped from… it hasn’t been brpight back to the store though it was picked up 2hrs ago.
Where tf is my phone.
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Yesterday I walked around outside without a coat.
Today it is freezing and cold.
I forgot this side of spring.
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This is for all the folks who were writing about ADHD and depression (and I fully admit to skimming because, you know
).This is something I have been working on in therapy (I fully support talk therapy + medicine, if needed). Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. If all the things didn’t get done, that’s ok. There’s always tomorrow or you know what, maybe it never gets finished. That’s ok, too. I have to often stop myself when I begin berating myself for not doing enough, being enough, having enough, not following through, not finishing what I started, etc., and take a breath and say either out loud or in my head “be kind to yourself.”
Just food for thought. It has helped me get through some tough moments. Doesn’t take the place of therapy but it’s a tool I use for myself and my kiddo who has been showing a lot of ADHD. Be kind to yourself. You are deserving of kindness.
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It’s kind of amazing to find yourself in the position of having to fight to keep a job you hate.
Edit: This wasn’t meant to be a response to anyone. I clicked the wrong button.
love that perfect frown
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@Vulgar-Boy said in RL Peeves:
It’s kind of amazing to find yourself in the position of having to fight to keep a job you hate.
In a similar position right now where I am actively interviewing, while trying to keep from losing my mind and quitting the job I have, which would solve no practical problems and only feel good for five minutes.
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@Testament I’ve wondered a lot if maybe there has been some depression there all along that was masked because my ADHD have been out of control for YEARS. Now the ADHD is being treated and my brain is a little quieter and now depression is just like “Yo, what’s up?”
maybe
I also kind of think there’s a certain amount of depression/anxiety that are just - BECAUSE of the condition. Having no executive function sucks. Having a terrible memory sucks. I don’t think I have chemical depression, I think I’m depressed that this thing does not happen in my brain and I really wish it did.For me, being medicated helps? I can maintain, I can go to work and not get fired, I can mostly get bills handled on time, etc. But it doesn’t ACTUALLY supply executive function. Nothing does. And that fucking sucks, and I’m always a little low-grade depressed about it.
fr fr
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@hellfrog YES. And it is really hard to figure out how to express how the lack of executive functioning and the memory lapses have really fucked up my life in a lot of ways. I can be positive and gentle with myself and I am in therapy right now because my harsh inner critic was leading me down some dark roads, but all the mindfulness and gentleness and meds and self-accepting in the world doesn’t change that this sucks and I wish it were different.
lol lmao
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And it is really hard to figure out how to express how the lack of executive functioning and the memory lapses have really fucked up my life in a lot of ways.
I could scream with how much I feel this.
“Just do the thing” is impossible and I can’t explain why. I have never in my life found the words to adequately explain to someone how this just does not happen for me. And even being kind to myself I know - i know- that people don’t understand and they find it frustrating. Because I fucking find it frustrating, and I do understand.
Guess I’m just yelling in solidarity here, but for what it’s worth? I know how these things have fucked your life up. I get you.
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I don’t really recall how I managed to make my life work with my autism/ADHD/etc before I was able to work remote full-time. I guess I developed tricks to keep people thinking I worked like they expect while in reality I spend 30 hours of the week wrestling with angst of executive function disorder and then 10 (often in one go) being more productive than most of my peers are with 40. That’s way easier to make work now that I don’t have to be in an office.
I do have the general major depression, I would describe my baseline emotional state as greyscale, but luckily (ha) I was raised with an overdose of puritan work ethic so being happy was never an expectation.
